My Faith and Joy… and Boys!

I’ve nearly survived my first day home alone with the girls. My mom flew back to CA this morning, leaving me a bit bewildered but determined not to despair! The day has actually gone beautifully. The girls have eaten well, slept fairly well, and given me loads of opportunities to gush over their unbelievable cuteness. This was really the first day that I’ve felt like a real-live mom. Before, with my mom here and offering much-needed assistance, I guess I felt more like a daughter who happened to have daughters of her own. But although it’s nerve-wracking not to have my mom an arms-length away, it’s satisfying to be able to handle situations myself. Thankfully, no “situations” arose today that exceeded my capabilities. Of course, I still displayed my mothering naïveté in several ways. I managed to nearly flood a counter top with water when I turned on the tap and then promptly forgot about the running water while I was responding to what I considered to be an urgent “help-me-NOW!” cry (thankfully, everyone was fine). I later ran at break-neck speed into the living room where the girls were sleeping when I heard an unidentifiable thud in their vicinity (again, thankfully, everyone was fine). This mothering gig is already giving me gray hairs, along with a messier home and severely diminished personal hygiene habits!

I just wanted to publicly express how thankful I am that my mom was able to come out and spend three weeks with Jim and I, navigating the NICU world for us, teaching us the intricacies of pre-term infant care, helping with cleaning, cooking and organizing, and just loving the babies as only a grandmother can. Mom, I miss you already!

Lord willing, by this time tomorrow, we will be home with our girls! I am so eager for us to finally settle into a routine at home. I’m weary of trucking back and forth to the hospital and feeling like I can only visit my children. It’s such an odd experience to have to get permission to enter a nursery, and to have other people dictate where I can take my kids, and what I can do with them. I’m very ready to start following my own “mommy intuition,” no matter how inexperienced and naïve that intuition may be.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been nearly three months since we first entered University of Connecticut Health Center on May 16^th for a routine ultrasound, and our lives were turned upside down. I know I’m ready to close the chapter of my life that revolves around the hospital, and I’m sure Jim is possibly even more ready. He is the one who has had to make almost daily trips to visit first his wife, and then his daughters in the hospital. I can’t even count the number of trips he’s made from the parking lot and through the winding corridors to get to the maternity and nursery departments – usually toting bags of laundry, books, and non-hospital food for my benefit! He has never once complained or appeared to be discouraged by the inconvenience. He was invaluable in keeping my spirits up, and in reminding me that the Lord is in control of every aspect of our lives. I can’t thank him enough for being such a God-honoring husband.

This post will, hopefully, be the last one I write without our daughters in the next room. As silly as it sounds, I’m looking forward to having my writing sessions interrupted by hungry cries and little sighs! Everything in our lives will change as of tomorrow, and for that, I am forever grateful.

This multi-tasking thing is hard, especially when I’m sleep-deprived! Right now, I’m trying to type, eat a ham sandwich, drink a glass of water, figure out how much longer I have at home before I need to start driving back to the hospital, calculate if the girls have enough milk stored up at the hospital prior to their next feeding, plan what I can accomplish in the nursery before I leave, and I don’t even have any crying babies here to distract me! I’ve never felt so pressed for time, or so productive. Every little thing I can do for the girls feels like a triumph, since I can only do so much while they’re hospitalized! I’ve also been blessed to be able to use my mom as another set of hands – she’s been invaluable with grocery shopping, laundry, milk-ferrying, bottle-holding, and so much more.

The girls are doing very well – I can’t thank you enough for all your prayers and expressions of congratulations. Jim and I are falling more and more in love every day. We find ourselves beaming with pride and amusement when they point their little toes or lick their little lips or grab their little ears. They’re taking part of their feedings by nursing, part by bottle, and part by feeding tubes. The problem with nursing and bottle-feedings is that the girls get too tired, too quickly, and then use up too many precious calories. We need them to hang on to those calories so they can start gaining weight, which will in turn help to regulate their body temperatures (a very important criteria for discharge).

Please pray that they continue to get stronger and take more and more feedings by nursing, that they start packing on the pounds (or at least, the ounces!), and that Susanna doesn’t have any more apnea episodes where she “forgets” to breathe. They can’t discharge her until she has seven consecutive days without apnea – and frankly, I’m quite glad. I’m already fretting that she will stop breathing on my watch, and I won’t have any monitors at home to alert me when it happens! Apnea is very common in premature babies, though, so we are confident she will outgrow this tendency quickly.

Well, I better sign off – I have to be careful not to expend too many calories myself – I need every one for energy right now! Thank you again for your calls, e-mails, letters, and prayers. I apologize for not being able to respond individually, but time is tight when I’m at the hospital it takes 30-45 minutes to feed Susanna, and then 30-45 minutes to feed Rebecca, and then it’s time to pump and start the whole process over again! What a glorious cycle of life!