July 20, 2008, at 9:53 pm |
I find it unbelievable how unprepared I am to be a mother. Not unprepared in the material sense, although that is certainly the case. There still remains many essential items to be purchased, as well as cribs and strollers to be assembled. I am also not overly concerned with my physical unpreparedness – that is, my weak arms and legs and lack of endurance. I have been repeatedly assured that my energy and muscle strength will quickly return. I am confident in the human body’s ability to adapt to all sorts of new circumstances, such as sleep-deprivation and mind-numbing crying jags.
What I am dreading is my complete incompetence in all matters baby-related. I had a week-long crash course in newborn care when I helped my sister-in-law with her twins last fall, but Julie really didn’t need much assistance besides an extra set of hands. I am still very much a novice when it comes to dressing/changing/feeding/soothing an infant, let alone two infants at once. How do I even hold two at once? How am I supposed to know when they’re hungry vs. angry vs. fussy vs. sleepy? Fortunately, I’ll have my mother-in-law nearby, and my mom will fly out as soon as I deliver, so I’ll be able to tap into their experience. But there will soon come a time when Jim and I will be facing two squalling, squirming, squealing girls…what a thrilling, and terrifying, thought!
July 19, 2008, at 7:43 pm |
Sometimes it’s easy for me to dwell on the aspects of pregnancy that I’m missing during my hospital stay, such as the excitement of decorating and organizing the nursery. However, I was thinking today that there are less-pleasant parts of the pregnancy experience that I’m actually being spared due to my hospitalization. For example, I’m currently the master of my own thermostat – I can keep the room as cool as I like, in order to compensate for my own increased body heat (Jim is very understanding, and just dresses more warmly in anticipation of a visit to my room. I think he’s thrilled we’re not paying for the air conditioning!). I don’t have to endure the frustration of trying to find flattering maternity swimwear, or sneak mid-afternoon naps in at work to combat my rising fatigue levels. I don’t have to put up with strangers coming up to me in public places and asking to touch my belly (I can’t imagine doing that, but my pregnant friends have assured me it happens!). I don’t have to create meals that meet our nutritional requirements, as well as my craving requirements. I don’t have to adjust to being so big that it’s difficult to share a bed, or worrying about going into labor far from a hospital. I don’t have to lug my expanding belly up and down the stairs in our house, and I don’t have to devise an ingenious way to spend time on the boat with Jim and convince him to drop me off at the shore for frequent bathroom breaks!
I truly have so much to be grateful for. I’m just trying to continually remind myself of all these positives, especially as my patience wears as thin as these hospital bedsheets!
July 19, 2008, at 9:07 am |
I just realized that I failed to post a blog yesterday – but never fear, I’m still pregnant! There’s no reason for my online absence, other than forgetfulness (I’ll be happy to blame that on the mythical condition of pregnancy-brain). I’ll post again later today!
July 17, 2008, at 8:04 pm |
Is it pathetic that the highlight of my day was watching two big hawks flying near my window? (Don’t answer that!). I’ve never been much of a birdwatcher – I’m actually not 100% positive that the birds I saw were actually hawks – but they looked so graceful and peaceful soaring in the blue sky. They were probably circling some sort of carrion down in the hospital parking lot that was beneath my field of vision, but from my perspective, they looked utterly majestic. I decided to be a bit rebellious, maneuvering myself out of bed and waddling over to a chair near the window with the hope of a better view. As soon as I exerted all that effort, the hawks disappeared, but it was very nice to sit in the sun for a few moments. I then realized I was panting from fatigue at even this modicum of exercise, so I shuffled back into bed.
I was a bit bummed that my feathered friends had come and gone so quickly, but knew that I was far from able to control their flight patterns. As the Lord said to Job, “Does the hawk take flight by your wisdom and spread his wings toward the south? Does the eagle soar at your command and build his nest on high?” (Job 39:26,27). The more Job struggled with the concept of God’s sovereignty and his desire for concrete answers to life’s mysteries, the more the Lord illustrated that humankind is simply not equipped to understand the intricacies of creation, life and death, let alone control these complex processes. As I lie in bed and try to wrap my head around why the Lord allowed me to go into pre-term labor and then has kept my labor from further progressing for nine weeks, I am reminded that such questions, while honest and harmless, simply fail to grasp the reality that God’s ways are higher than my ways. Christian author Ray Stedman, in his summary of the Book of Job, eloquently captures the truth that I am vaguely circling:
“The great lesson of the book is that there are times when we cannot be told the whole picture. There are times when God does not adequately explain life to us. There are times when we must trust that not all suffering occurs because we are bad, but because it can also be the source of some final good. The deepest note in the book may be struck when, out of the desolation of his heart and yet with the Spirit of God within him urging him on to faith in the midst of his bewilderment and confusion, Job says,
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold. (Job 23:10)
“That is the lesson of this book. Life is too complicated for us to handle alone. It gets so involved that we can’t even be given some of the answers at times, but God is saying, “If you just take a look at all the problems that I keep solving on the very simplest levels of life and which even then are far beyond your ability to cope with, can’t you trust me to work this one out as well?” In Romans Paul rejoices, “We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28).
Well put! So while I did not initially intend for this post to be about anything deeper than my fascination with my winged neighbors, I am thankful that the Lord can use even small object lessons to strengthen my understanding of Himself.
July 16, 2008, at 10:25 pm |
I had a special visit today from my obstetrician, Dr. S! Because he’s my employer in addition to being my OB, I had gotten used to seeing him nearly every weekday I was at the office, so it was a wonderful burst of familiarity to see him here in my hospital room and to chat for a while. He noted something I hadn’t realized before: my official due date, September 4th, follows on the heels of the aptly-named Labor Day. So while the rest of you are all out enjoying your picnics and days off from work, I may actually be laboring! Of course, neither he nor I expect me to still be pregnant by that point, so presumably I’ll get to experience the true meaning of the day: a rest from labor. Dr. S. also brought me a bag of goodies that his wife generously assembled for me, including some delicious snacks. I figure, if a doctor’s wife gives you chocolate, it’s got to be good for you, right?!
His visit made me appreciate, yet again, how blessed I am to have such a good relationship with my doctor. Although the residents and perinatologists at the hospital are surely very well trained, there’s nothing like having a doctor you trust. It often feels like so much of what I hear from medical professionals at the hospital are the textbook answers: technically true statements, but without the context of wisdom. I can always count on Dr. S to not only know the textbook answer, but to filter his responses and explanations through the lens of his extensive practical experience. It also doesn’t hurt that I have had a front-row seat for several years from which to view his skills as a physician! So if you’re reading this blog, Dr. S. – thank you!
July 15, 2008, at 10:00 pm |
During a quick ultrasound this afternoon, a resident asked me what I was most looking forward to doing once I “get outta here,” other than holding my babies. I paused, surprised that an answer didn’t instantly leap into my consciousness. After a moment, I replied that I couldn’t wait to be outside again. Yet while she was busily scanning my belly to check on the girls’ well-being, I thought more about my answer. I’ve never considered myself an “outdoorsy” person. It wasn’t until I met Jim that I even conquered (or at least, repressed) my irrational fear of having my toes amputated by hungry fish in any non-chlorinated body of water. But while I’m chained to this bed during the seemingly endless afternoon hours, what is it that I’m daydreaming about? I’m imagining how good it would feel to have the sun beat down on my shoulders, the breeze tickle my skin, the rain mat down my hair, to simply be exposed to the elements. Maybe I’m an outdoor person after all…or at least, a low-intensity outdoor person. The idea of vigorous hiking feels too ambitious at this point, now that a trek to the bathroom leaves me winded. But soon after I am sprung from this establishment, with my daughters nestled in their double stroller, I plan on taking a long, leisurely walk. The ringing of the call bells will be replaced by the singing of the birds, the buzzing of the monitoring equipment will morph into the chirping of the crickets, the glare of the florescent lights will give way to the shining of the sun…and the stillness of the air will be pierced by the cries of two sets of healthy lungs…sounds like paradise to me!
July 14, 2008, at 10:01 pm |
I made it to Bastille Day! As I remarked in a previous post, my obstetrician noted that today would be a fitting day, symbolically speaking, to be discharged from the hospital (although of course, he’s rooting along with the rest of us for the pregnancy to reach at least 36 weeks). In honor of his observation, I thought I’d do a little informal research and create an imaginary scenario in which I am liberated from UConn Medical Center, as were the captives of the Bastille. In advance, please indulge my outlandish exaggerations and understand that these are the ramblings of a pregnant woman who has been cooped up in bed for a very long time! (Maybe there’s another similarity here between my plight and that of the Bastille prisoners…a kind of incarceration-induced PTSD…). Without further ado, here is an excerpt from a Wikipedia article on the Bastille (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bastille_Day), with my tall tale inserted in italics:
"…The people of Paris, fearful that they and their representatives would be attacked by the royal military, and seeking to gain arms for the general populace, stormed the Bastille, a fortress-prison in Paris which had often held people jailed on the basis of ‘lettres de cachet’, arbitrary royal indictments that could not be appealed (Jim, fearful that he would be attacked by rising hospital bills, and seeking to regain his wife/cook/boat driver, stormed the UConn Medical Center, a fortress-prison in Connecticut which had often held people jailed on the basis of pre-term labor, an arbitrary medical diagnosis that could not be appealed).
Besides holding a large cache of arms, the Bastille had been known for holding political prisoners whose writings had displeased the royal government, and was thus a symbol of the absolutism of the monarchy. As it happened, at the time of the siege in July 1789 there were only seven inmates, none of great political significance (Besides holding many millions of dollars worth of medical supplies, the UConn had been known for holding pregnant women whose uterine behavior had displeased the medical establishment, and thus was a symbol of the absolutism of doctors. As it happened, at the time of the siege in July 2008, there were only five antepartum patients, none of great medical complexity).
When the crowd (legend says it was organised by descendants of the Knights Templar)— eventually reinforced by mutinous ‘gardes françaises’— proved a fair match for the fort’s defenders…the commander of the Bastille, capitulated and opened the gates to avoid a mutual massacre. However, possibly because of a misunderstanding, fighting resumed. Ninety-eight attackers and just one defender died in the actual fighting… (When the crowd (legend says it was organized by descendents of the “B Family†clan) – eventually reinforced by mutinous friends and co-workers of the patients – proved a fair match for the fort’s security guards, the medical director of UConn, capitulated and unlocked the doors to Labor & Delivery to avoid a PR scandal. However, possibly because of a misunderstanding, name-calling resumed. Countless “B Family†members and just one resident were slandered in the actual onslaught…).
The storming of the Bastille was more important as a rallying point and symbolic act of rebellion than a practical act of defiance (The storming of the UConn was more important as an expression of frustration of a lonely husband and symbolic act of rebellion against skyrocketing insurance premiums than a practical act of defiance).
Shortly after the storming of the Bastille, on 4 August feudalism was abolished and on 26 August, the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen proclaimed." (Shortly after the storming of the UConn, on September 4th, the pre-term labor diagnosis was abolished and on September 26th, the ‘Declaration of the Rights of Twin Girls and their Proud Parents’ was proclaimed).
And we all live happily ever after (well, at least the “B Family†does…I won’t presume to speak on behalf of the French) – The End!
July 13, 2008, at 10:25 pm |
Today was filled with mixed emotions. Jim’s maternal grandfather, “Pap,” went home to be with the Lord early this morning (many of you may remember him; he officiated at our wedding). We are so thankful that, because he was saved, we are confident that he is now in the presence of our Heavenly Father. He is no longer bound by earthly sickness and sorrows. However, we grieve the loss of such a wonderful figure in our lives. We ‘ll miss his funny rhyming messages on our answering machine, like the classic, “It’s Father Clark, calling after dark!” We’ll miss his generous hospitality – we couldn’t escape a visit to his house without hearty snacks or meals, including his signature Kielbasa dish. We’ll miss his common sense advice, such as his trick for enduring physical pain: “It’s just mind over matter – if you don’t mind, it don’t matter!” We’ll miss his tendency to doze during family gatherings, his penchant for sweater vests, his hearty laugh at everyone’s jokes, his strong singing voice on Sunday mornings, but most of all, his deep and abiding love of God. We will miss you, Pap.
Jim will be traveling out of state to be with his family and attend the funeral. Please pray that the girls don’t make a surprise appearance while he is away. The last thing I need to worry about is Jim careening down the Pennsylvania turnpike at breakneck speed in an attempt to outrun my labor pains! I can just imagine Jim arguing with a state trooper who has pulled him over for speeding…but with Jim’s power of persuasion, who knows? Maybe he’d end up with a police escort all the way to the hospital!
July 12, 2008, at 9:51 pm |
All is well. I’ve been rather tuckered out today, so this post will be short and sweet. Our niece Allison spent the night here last night and we had a wonderful little slumber party. We watched a good movie, ate great snacks, chatted and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. It was a great change of pace!
July 11, 2008, at 7:49 pm |
I have now officially been in the hospital for two months. It seems like so much has changed in that time frame! We now have the beginnings of a nursery, thanks to my family’s diligent efforts at organizing, painting, shopping and assembling. Our cat, Tommy, has gone through the five stages of grief over my sudden departure from the home. He denied my disappearance and functioned normally at first, then moved to anger and took a few mean-spirited swipes at Jim, then bargained for my return by catching many more woodland creatures than normal in the hopes I would be so pleased that I would come home, then descended into a feline depression complete with lethargy and loss of appetite, and now has finally moved to acceptance of my absence and behaves as if he never knew I existed. I am thankful that Tommy seems to have finally adjusted to the situation, but I’m now a bit sad that he seems to have forgotten all about me!
What else has changed…Jim has stepped up to the plate and reassumed the driver’s seat in our boat (which is just as well, given that I doubt I will be doing much piloting when I have two babies in tow!). He has also proven to be an excellent interior decorator, as he diligently embellishes the formerly bare spaces of my hospital room with cards, toys and baby clothes. In fact, my hospitalization has probably demanded far more flexibility and adjustment from Jim than it has from me. He hasn’t been given the luxury of laying in bed, reading all day. He’s had to juggle work, home and hospital life, and constantly field phone calls from a wife who would be quite content to chat on the phone with him all day. So three cheers for Jim, my wonderful husband and an incredible father-to-be!
|
ABOUT US I'm blessed to be saved by the grace of God, loved by my wonderful husband Jim, and embraced by my twin girls, Rebecca Faith and Susanna Joy and my sons Jimmy and Danny. I started this blog in May 2008 when I was hospitalized for pre-term labor at 24 weeks gestation. The Lord allowed me to keep the girls inside until they were 34 weeks along, and on July 27th, Rebecca made her debut, followed by Susanna, five minutes later, on July 28th. We ecstatically welcomed Jimmy into our lives on April 25th, 2011, and Danny on August 31, 2012. This blog has been a personal journal of faith and motherhood and the only way I can remember which child did what and when. Thanks for stopping by to share in my Faith and Joy! Feel free to e-mail me at: [email protected]. |
Recent Comments